Battles...
My most recent battle was with the giant moth last night. It refused to die after several smackings with a newspaper - wounded, yes, but die? No! It entered my home last night when I opened my door upon my return from BBT wtih SL, and flew straight to my room. In my battle with the moth, I gave several screams and yelps and had to rearrange furniture, since it was trying to find a hiding place behind my bedside table. My heart was racing, adrenaline pumping. It was big and brown, and with it's wingspan, had an approximate diameter of about 8 or 9 centimetres - enough to really worry me, that if it bit me while sleeping, the affected area would hurt and puff up a lot (moth bites sting like crazy, and I'm slightly allergic!). The colour of the moth reminded me of a cockroach - it was the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
In the end I managed to trap it in my washroom but was unsuccessful in killing it - it went into hiding. I decided that since it was trapped in the washroom, and possibly mortally wounded, that I could easily find it in the morning when I woke up. My battle with the moth was lasting more than 30 minutes, and it was close to 1am. I just hoped that I would not need the washroom in the middle of the night, which is exactly what happened.
In the wee hours of the morning, with a full bladder and adrenaline pumping through my body again, I found the moth, wounded, but still able to fly about. Two more smacks with the newspaper, and it was in pain and immobile (but still not DEAD!). With careful maneuvering, I flushed the half-dead moth down my toilet. Giant moth defeated, and an eventually happy bladder. I triumph as my own hero.
Other battles are less simple...
Three-quarters of the time, what comes out of my mouth is only a small portion of what I'm thinking. Half the time I never know what the best way is to articulate my thoughts, and the other time I feel as though my thoughts are my own - they belong to me and no one else. When it comes to expressing deep thoughts and personal emotions, I am very closed and inarticulate. The result of not saying what I'm thinking can lead to several things: 1) People think I'm being cold and non-communicative, when all I'm doing is trying not to say anything I will regret; 2) When I'm silent people think I'm disinterested, when in fact all I'm doing is listening intently and formulating thoughts and ideas inside my head. I am a person who won't say anything until I'm sure of what I'm saying - this is a confidence problem due to shyness. I've been this way since birth.
Despite what people think, my self-esteem can be fragile, and my self-confidence easily waivered. I know that I care too much about what other people think sometimes, yet at the same time I could care less about other things. I always want to please, no matter who I'm with or who I'm talking to. I've come to realize about myself, that I tend to seek approval from those that I care most about, even if it makes me unhappy or frustrated.
I struggle with my inner-psyche, to be a better person all of the time, to better and improve MYSELF! These battles are not easily won. There will be slips back into the old routine of self-blame and self-pity, but over time the old routines will hopefully be forgotten and left alone to collect dust. To give, and to be happy are much easier, emotionally and physically than to take and be sad.
An old buddy of mine recently commented on how "complicated" I am. Well, everyone is complicated. Everyone has their own personal struggles and battles. For the most part, my battles are less noticeable than others, and can also seem nonexistent due to my choice to be silent on certain things. There are things I will never open up about to anyone, and never have. These things do not hurt others or affect others - only myself. These things are mine to keep - private.
I will continue to strive to be a better person, though. If you try the best you can, the best you can is good enough.
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